There is no way to tell for sure if someone is experiencing domestic abuse. Those who are abused, and those who abuse, come in all shapes, sizes, colours, economic classes and personality types. Victims are not always passive with low self-esteem, and abusers are not always violent or hateful to their partner in front of others. Most people experiencing relationship abuse do not tell others what goes on at home. Here are some signs to look out for:
Spot the Signs
Spot the Signs: Is Someone You Know Being Abused?
- Injuries and Excuses
In some cases, bruises and injuries may occur frequently and be in obvious places. When this happens, the intent of the abuser is to keep the victim isolated and trapped at home. When black eyes and other bruising is a result of domestic abuse, the victim may be forced to call in sick to work, or face the embarrassment and excuses of how the injuries occurred. When there are frequent injuries seen by others, the victim may talk about being clumsy, or have elaborate stories of how the injuries occurred. In other cases, bruises and other outward injuries may be inflicted in places where the injuries won’t show. This too is a tactic used by an abuser to keep a victim from reaching out or from having the violence exposed. - Absences from Work or School
When severe physical abuse or other trauma related to violence occurs, the victim may take time off from their normal schedule. If you see this happening, or the person is frequently late, this could be a sign of relationship abuse occurring. - Low Self-Esteem
Some victims have low self-esteem, while others have a great deal of confidence and esteem in other areas of their life (at work, as a parent, with hobbies, etc.) but not within their relationship. In terms of dealing with the relationship, a sense of powerlessness may exist. A victim may believe that they could not live on their own or that they are somehow better off with the abuser as part of their life. - Personality Changes
People may notice that a very outgoing person, for instance, may become quiet and shy around their partner over time. This happens because the one being abused “walks on egg shells” when in the presence of the one who is abusive. Accusations of flirting, talking too loudly, saying the ‘wrong’ thing, may have taught the abused person that it is easier to act a certain way around the abuser than to experience additional accusations in the future. - Fear of Conflict
As a result of being abused, some victims may generalise the experience of powerlessness with other relationships. Conflicts with co-workers, friends, relatives, and neighbours can create a lot of anxiety. For many, it is easier to give in to whatever someone else wants than to challenge it. Asserting needs and desires begins to feel like a battle, and not worth the risks of losing. Victims may also exhibit overly-friendly behaviour, particularly to those that they perceive as being in a position of power, like the abuser’s in-laws, a boss or a supervisor at work, or even to advocates if a victim seeking help from a domestic violence service. This can manifest as everything from sending cards to casual acquaintances, to providing over-indulgent attention. - Passive-Aggressive Behaviour
For adults or children who have experienced abuse from a loved one, the ability to identify feelings and wants, and to express them, may not exist. This could result in passive-aggressive behaviour. Rather than telling others what they want, they say one thing but then express anger or frustration in an aggressive manner (such as burning dinner, or not completing a report on time for their boss). - Self-Blame
You may notice someone taking all of the blame for things that go wrong. A co-worker may share a story about something that happened at home and then take all of the blame for whatever occurred. If you notice this happening a lot, it may be a sign that this person is experiencing emotional abuse. - Isolation and Control
In general, adults who are abused physically are often isolated. Their partners tend to control their lives to a great extent as well as verbally degrade them. This isolation is intended to make the abuser the centre of the victim’s universe, as well as to purposefully limit the victim’s access to others who might attempt to help the victim escape. You might notice that someone has limited access to the telephone, frequently makes excuses as to why they can’t see you or they insist that their partner has to come along, doesn’t seem to be able to make decisions about spending money, isn’t allowed to drive, go to school or get a job or has a notable change in self-esteem, which might include inability to make eye contact or looking away or at the ground when talking. - Stress-Related Problems
These often manifest as poor sleep, sleeping at unusual times (can also be a sign of depression), experiencing non-specific aches or pains that are either constant and/or recurring, stomach problems, chronic headaches, and flare up of problems made worse by stress such as eczema.